Fun Fact: The greatest irony about me being a nurse is that I hate blood and needles.

I remember in high school when we had to decide on a major for our college applications (which deciding what you want to do at 18 is still a wild concept to me, but anyways), I always liked the idea of being a nurse, but knew I could never do it because I hated blood. Needles… forget it. I hated getting shots growing up, and I probably cried a little far beyond what was considered age-appropriate. I remember Janelle handling her vaccinations like a champ while I had to be pinned down by two nurses just for a flu shot… no sticker or lollipop could bribe me enough. Truth is, I probably scared away half the kids in the waiting room because you would have thought they were torturing me… have I ever mentioned anxiety ruled my world back then? So, needless to say, I never imagined that I would become a nurse one day. 

Instead, I thought physical therapy would be a happy medium. It was the perfect alternative… I could still help others and make a difference, but I wouldn’t have to deal with blood or needles. So I applied to schools with the goal of becoming a physical therapist one day. I’m pretty sure my high school yearbook asked us where we envision ourselves to be in 2027 (10 years after graduation), and my response was “working as a physical therapist and settling down with a loving family.” I’ll be the first to let my younger self know, we are far from either… and I couldn’t be happier. Newsflash, but life didn’t turn out how we once envisioned it, and that’s okay… odds are none of it was never meant to be anyways. 

Life changed course when my sister got sick. After spending so much time in the hospital with Janelle, I began looking up to her nurses as a source of hope and inspiration. They truly were my family’s superheroes. I would watch in complete awe as they magically turned a bad day into a good one and admired them as they took such gentle care of my sister. I began to envision myself working as a nurse and dreamed about taking care of patients just like my sister one day, but the only problem? I hate blood. I told myself I could never do it. Yet Janelle continued to inspire me, every single day. There were a lot of hard things she had to do, and most of the time, she didn’t even have a choice. During her battle, she demonstrated grit, extreme mental stamina, and resilience despite many setbacks, which only furthered my admiration for her and fueled my ambition to carry on her legacy. My sister has always been my biggest role model, and if she has taught me anything, it is that we can do absolutely anything we set our minds to. If there’s a will, there’s a way. With this mentality and a guardian angel on my side, I decided that I would become an oncology nurse one day. What changed? One could argue that many things changed, but what really changed is that I finally believed in myself. 

On the day of Janelle’s funeral, I read her eulogy and told the audience how I wanted to become an oncology nurse one day. I remember debating whether or not to include this in her eulogy… Of course, I am entitled to my own decisions, but the thought of telling hundreds of people made the anecdote more real. In a way, it felt like I was making an oath, an oath to both myself and my sister. There was a shift inside of me, and this is when I decided nursing was my calling. 

In order to get some experience, I took a Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) course that would allow me to work in a hospital and learn new skills while working alongside nurses. The course included a clinical portion where we got to shadow nurses. I remember on the first day of clinical, our instructor asked my friend if she wanted to take a patient’s blood sugar. My friend jumped at the learning opportunity, and the rest of us got to observe. For those who may not be familiar, testing a patient’s blood sugar only requires a drop of blood. The needle to prick the finger is so tiny, but just the anticipation of blood made me so lightheaded I had to step out of the room. I got so dizzy and so lightheaded that I had to sit down. This sounds so dramatic looking back on it, but I kid you not, I was terrified of blood. I went home that day and cried to my parents that I couldn’t do it and that I couldn’t become a nurse. But like they’ve done over the many years, they encouraged me to keep going and reassured me that it would get better over time. 

Unfortunately, COVID hit, and I never had the chance to work as a CNA prior to nursing school. As a result, the majority of my exposure would then come from my clinicals. Since I originally wanted to become a physical therapist, I graduated from Sacred Heart with a Bachelor’s degree, and then I attended nursing school in Boston. I remember my very first day of clinical… as I would imagine most RN’s do. I barely knew how to take vitals and had never laid hands on a patient. We were assigned one patient for the day, which sounded like way more than I could handle (the travel RN in me is now laughing). I remember reading the nursing notes, just trying to understand what half the abbreviations meant, never mind trying to take care of a patient. Their life was supposed to be in my hands? Of course, not quite yet, but the concept definitely made the profession much more intimidating. I remember my patient happened to have an unstageable wound to their bottom (apologies to my non-nurse friends here). The physician’s assistant probably thought this would be a great learning opportunity and asked me if I could help her with some of the wound care. As soon as she peeled back the bandage, I think I lasted about a total of 10 seconds in the room before I had to step out. 11 seconds and I would have been on the ground. The same exact thing happened. I began to get so dizzy and so lightheaded that I thought I was going to faint. I was so sweaty and thought to myself, there’s no way nursing was for me. I gave myself an A for effort, but like I said, nursing was not for me. I got home later that day, and of course, my parents were so excited to hear about my first day. Instead of coming home with a big smile on my face, I came home and bawled my eyes out. I told them there’s no way I could become an RN and that I needed a new career plan. But somehow, someway, through the magic of their trade, my parents convinced me to keep on going. They knew it would get better… and they were right. 

It took a while, but eventually things did get better… despite the many times I doubted myself. Grief surfaced heavily in the trenches of nursing school, to the point where I was only one click away from sending my drafted and well-thought-out resignation letter to the Dean of Nursing. Imposter Syndrome told me I wasn’t good enough, and I fully believed it until I reminded myself of all the reasons why I started. My sister taught me we can do absolutely anything we set our minds to, and so I told myself – if there’s a will, there’s a way. I rediscovered my drive to get there, and through repeated exposures, I finally built up a tolerance to blood and needles. Sounds dramatic, but it wasn’t easy. Especially in the moments when you are learning… It’s hard to admit you hate blood in a setting that requires you to be okay with it. I worried that if I admitted my fear, others would doubt me when I was already doubting myself. I wasn’t able to move forward until I realized my why was stronger than both my doubts and my fears. So the bottom line I can promise you is this… if you’re able to believe in the strength of your why, it will carry you to the finish line. 

And just like that… I made it to the finish line. Thinking about all the times I almost gave up, it really did feel like a miracle. I finally became an oncology nurse and got a job at the same hospital where my sister was treated. I began my career as an RN on a unit that specializes in (out of all things) heme malignancies (blood disorders), treating primarily leukemia and lymphoma patients. As a result, the majority of our patients require daily blood or platelet transfusions, sometimes even multiple transfusions… talk about exposure therapy. As a result, I finally conquered my fear of blood and became the RN my younger self once doubted I could never become. This past week, I even donated blood for the first time. I can’t deny that I didn’t get dizzy, lightheaded, and see lots of stars, but I can still say that I did it!!! Something about my own blood still makes me woozy, but who would I be if I can’t practice what I’m preaching. Having witnessed the countless transfusions Janelle received and finally becoming an oncology RN, I am fully aware of how important it is to donate blood. So I guess this is my plug to donate blood because it really does save lives, and in a backwards way, I’m fortunate enough to witness it on a day-to-day basis. Life is fragile. Don’t take it for granted. 

So here is some advice for my younger self who didn’t believe in herself and for the little girl who let anxiety rule her world… It turns out many things won’t happen the way we once envisioned them; some for the better and some for the worse, but it has led us to where we are today – and we love today. Life is going to knock you down, and it’s going to knock you down hard. A lot of it won’t make sense. You will want to quit. But know that there is light at the end of the tunnel – this analogy exists for a reason. Keep going. Because guess what? It only gets better.

And why is it that admitting our fears feels like such a weakness? Of course, it is easier said than done, but I do believe admitting our fears and still facing them is a massive strength. That is how we grow as humans. If we don’t seek discomfort by facing our fears, are we even growing? My greatest fear in life is staying stagnant. I now fear being comfortable more than I fear being uncomfortable. I never want to look back and think I could have done more, tried more, or put myself out there more. So stop letting fear get in the way… use it as your driving force and it will propel you even further than you once imagined. 

The point is, the only reason why I never thought I could be a nurse one day is because I told myself I couldn’t do it. That is simply it. I told myself I couldn’t, and so I believed it. Far too often, we default to what is comfortable, so instead, I am going to use this as a challenge for you. Think of something you have always wanted to do but have always told yourself you can’t or that could never be you. What is it?! Why can’t you do it? Is it because you’ve made a list of all the reasons why you can’t do it or because these are actual barriers? I’m not saying there won’t be barriers along the way. In fact, there will be quite a few obstacles. This is where life can weed you out. The question is, do you have the stamina to withstand these obstacles? The answer is yes, you do. All you need to say yes, is for your why to be greater than both your doubts and fears. You only need one why reason to surmount your list of reasons why not. Obstacles exist because if not, everyone would be doing it… Use them as an opportunity to stand out. When you put doubt and fear aside, this world truly becomes your oyster… So, how big is your drive? How badly do you want it? Because if you want it, go get it… You will come to find that if there’s a will, there’s a way. 

Tell yourself you can, and you will.